All creatures react anxiously when they sense a threat: fight, flight, freeze, fawn. As social creatures humans depend on our relationships to stabilise us. So we feel threatened and react anxiously when our relationships get out of whack. When we react anxiously other people sense a threat and react anxiously to us ie. this kind of "anxiety” is contagious.

One reason relationships get out of whack is because of two powerful forces that sustain life and enable us to grow. The first is the “togetherness” force. It’s the drive we all experience to belong, to be ‘one’ with others, to depend on others and have them depend on us. The second is the “individuality” force. It’s the drive we all feel to be our own person, think our own thoughts, carve out our own space. It enables us to take responsibility and exercise agency in the world.

We’re always trying to keep these forces in balance. But the balance we find comfortable is different in different relationships and it varies over time. Sometimes we want more togetherness with someone than they want with us. Sometimes we want to be our own person while someone is pushing for us to fall in line. So the balance is constantly shifting - creating tensions and instability in our relationships. And the anxiety goes up.

1. How much anxiety is the system?

2. How much capacity do we have to respond to it?

Imagine anxiety is like liquid being poured into a cup. As we encounter change, disappointment, disapproval or distress. When there are redundancies in our workplace. When there is conflict at home. When we’re under financial pressure. More and more anxiety gets poured into our cup.

Everyone’s cup is different. Some people can handle a lot of stress and get along ok. For others it only takes one thing to go wrong for them to come unstuck. But no matter how big your cup is, if anxiety in your system keeps increasing, sooner or later it will spill over the top.

Remember fight, flight, freeze, fawn?

1. Conflict

2. Distance

3. Over or under function

4. Triangle